?

Log in

Me and My Randomness
 
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in odie07's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Sunday, November 26th, 2006
2:00 am
Yup, me and my winie (sp) entries again
So, I sit here all alone by myself thinking why I've done the things I've done, said the things I did, and wondering why the hell I feel the way I do. You think it'd be simple- not letting old things that you thought were over with get a hold of you again. You think it'd be simple- not letting other people have a factor of what you think/feel sometimes. I'm just saying this because I've wanted to and it's not to offend anyone because it's just how I feel- F off because you don't know me or how my brain and heart works and my life sure as hell should not be predicted by what you people think. I can't even explain me I don't even know me yet.. After 17 years I'm still trying to figure out who this person is, so quit trying to tell me who I am and what I want. And this brings me up to something.. I can't have another person (gf) in my life right now because of this (not knowing who I am) and other factors. I'm not saying I don't because I do kinda but I don't want it right now because of plenty of good reasons believe me....fu**, I don't even know what I want. Well, I know right now what I want is to be alone to figure me out and to forget this feeling that I still have. I just can't right now. I wish I had no feelings of affection at all and it'd be so much more simple. If you really do like me and you know this to be true then you can wait until I figure me out.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
........Confusion....that's all I am isn't it?

PS- no more top friends either because I keep getting guilt trips sry my peeps
Saturday, November 11th, 2006
5:09 pm
This is dumb
I've just got to say, some people are plain retarted... I like how they make ussumptions and think that I'm like "everyone else"...well I'm not gonna lie I was a lot like all the other guys 2 or 3 weeks ago but that's different now. That's why I had to end some things and restart some things and hopefully start over on some things in the future. That I do believe is why I've been more quiet lately, becuase my brain is coming back into play. I'm not Robert the "perfect" Christian boy anymore that boy is long gone as in the "perfect" part but I'm different again and I'm sorry that I hurt people when I was different and I'm sorry that I hurt people when I had to return to me, myself, who I am. I'm doing my best at what I know how to do and that's all anyone can ask for. I've made a lot of mistakes recently and I hope I can fix them or forget some of them. And just so we're clear I didn't use you! That sentence right there is said in pure dumbfounded anger. Peace...

Current Mood: blank
Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
9:43 pm
What else is there to say?
Alright here it is and this is the last time I ever want to talk about this unless it is really necessary. This is probably only going to make sense to about 4 people anyhow... I'm done with all off this shit that I keep getting from all these people. You tell me one thing and I do it and then your mad and yet why tell me? I'm sorry you feel the way you do but you honestly don't know how I feel because I can't explain anything to you anymore or you'll get mad. What do you want me to do? Wait around for years until maybe things work out? I'm trying to get over this whole thing but really it's not making it easy when you try and keep me here by getting mad at me or wanting to chew me out for the things that I decide to do. I'm sorry that some of the things I do make you feel "unloved" but I was put here by u.. People tell me to move on past this but how and the hell am I supposed to when I have you and others treating me like shit. Maybe you guys don't think you are but I sure feel like it. I haven't done that to any of you and you all fucking know it. I'm am extremely pissed off right now it's not even funny. There are those of you that can't even look at me now.. What the hell do you want? I've asked and asked and asked and now I know I can't give you what you want. Yes, I lied to myself and others saying that I'd wait until after basketball was over to get into anything like this again and I'm sorry. But sweet Moses I'm a kid, still immature and still stupid. I'm just trying to enjoy life the best I know how and can, but your everywhere: in my head, my house, my dreams...and it's driving me crazy. I don't know what to think, but I know that where I am right now in life is pretty good and I'm enjoying the people I'm hanging out with. I enjoy hanging out w/you too but it's hard when I know your mad.. It pisses me off and it hurts a lot to know that you guys are mad, disappointed, frustrated, exasperated, confused, hurt... None of this was supposed to do any of that but you all may be feeling it now but I've been feeling that shit for fucking 2 months now... I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but I know it does to some. I just had to vent my feelings or I would have come unglued on someone that may or may not have deserved it..Maybe I should just move to Europe and get murdered..no one would know..
Monday, October 23rd, 2006
12:41 am
Looking For Angels
Looking For Angels- Skillet


Walk this world alone try to stay on my feet
Sometimes I crawl, fall
But I stand up 'cause I'm afraid to sleep
And open my eyes to a new day
With all new problems and all new pain
All the faces are filled with so much anger
Losing our dignity and hope from fear of danger
After all the wars, after settling scores
At the break of dawn we will be deaf to the answer
There's so much bigotry, misunderstanding and fear
With eyes squinted and fists clinched
We reach out for what is dear
We want it, we want... We want a reason to live
We're on a pilgrimage, a crusade for hope
'Cause in our hearts and minds and souls we know

Going through this life looking for angels
People passing by looking for angles
Walking down the street looking for angles
Everyone I meet looking for angels

So many nations with so many hungry people
So many homeless scrounging around or dirty needles
On the rise, teen suicide
When will we realize
We've been desensitized by the lies of the world
We're oppressed and impressed by the greed
Whose hands squeeze the life out of the needy
When will we learn that wars, threats and regrets
Are the cuase and effect of living in fear
Who can help protect the innocence of our children
Stolen on the internet with images they can't forget
We want it, we want...We want a reason to live
We represent a generation
That wants to turn back the nation
To let love be our light and salvation
We need it, need it...We need more than this
I became a savior to some kids I'll never meet
Sent a check in the mail to buy them something to eat
What will you do to make a difference to make a change
What will you do to help someone along the way
Just a touch, a smile as you turn the other cheek
Pray for your enemies, humble yourself
Love's staring back at me
In the midst of the most painful faces
Angels show up in the stranges of places

Current Mood: content
Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
12:38 am
Yup, so I haven't written on here in a while and I have a little time to so I thought I might do just a little bit of updating. Life is ok at the moment like usual nothin good happening nothing bad. It's really just confusing and blah. I miss people that I haven't seen in a while and I'm getting sick of other people that I see all the time. It's funny lately that people seem to be thinking that they know everything about my life and that they all think that what they say is right. You all have a right to an opinion but don't let that change how you act around me becuase I can tell when your descusted w/me or pissed off and it's fucking pissin me off..Just so it's clear your not Robert Kennedy and your not in his fucking shoes and you don't know how his heart feels right now. Now, that that random peice of work is overwith I'm off to Jamie's. bye

Current Mood: blah
Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
1:30 pm
Nothin really
Wow...so I haven't been on here in what...forever. Maybe I should start writing on here some more becuase not as many people see these ones becuase it's not as cool as myspace lol. But just to round things up for those of you that don't know life is shabbie (sp), crapy, confusing, fun, exciting, dramatic, and overwhelming right now. So, much crap is going on behind my back that I'm finding out from other people that it's really pissing me off. I'll write a nice long letter later don't wry I'll let you all know how it is down in my town lol But I'm still having fun with my friends and of course playing basketball at 5:30 in the morning lol
Luv!
Saturday, July 29th, 2006
12:39 am
Indiana
Hey! I'm in Indiana playing ball... It's so much fun with all the guys and all, they're nuts. I have a lot of stuff to update on but I'll do that later because well it's late and I'm on the phone with my girl. But, anyhow life has been good and all so give me some comments on this and on my myspace. Love y'all!

Current Mood: naughty
Monday, May 1st, 2006
12:39 pm
Fuck Everything!
Fuck! That's all I have to say is fuckin' piece of shit. And that would be my brain a piece of shit and my heart it's fucked up. Fuck myself for trying to explain how it hurts to see and hear things, fuck myself for trying to be honest, fuck myself for trying to change for the better and no one else is trying to help besides my family, fuck this life, fuck me for when I try and tell the truth and all I get is lies, fuck the fact that the people I know don't want to change even the littles bit because they care more about what other people think, fuck the fact that I care so much for the ones I love that this hurts so damned fuckin bad...Fucking crying, and fuck telling anyone anymore what's wrong with me or how I feel about things, no one fucking listens anyhow.

Current Mood: disappointed
Friday, April 21st, 2006
1:49 pm
I just had to be dumb again...
So, at the moment I think I just f'ed everything up with my parents. I have this really really bad problem of lying a lot...It I knew it would catch up to me I just didn't think this fast. I do believe I've never felt this bad about anything. I hurting my dad and I'm making my mom even more sick. I blame my self for the way she feels, I always do. But, yeah I tried lying my way out of something again today it was the wrong thing to do and it was the wrong thing to do every other time I did it. So.....from here on out I'm going to do my very best not to lie and if I can't tell the truth I just wont give an answer... And mom and dad if you do read this I'm sry and even though you've probably heard it a lot this year I'm really sry and I'm trying to go back and be that little boy again. But, I know you've all heard that too so I don't expect you to believe me. lol Hope everyone had a happy Easter!

Current Mood: lonely
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
6:49 pm
Notta much....
So, lately everything has been going well here. My birthday is only 2 days away and I'm kinda excited. Not a lot though because to me it's just another day. I really don't want anything for my bday but I know people will still get me stuff. I have a whole list of CD's I want though so I guess that would be cool. Money is just fine as well or why not both? lol But also for some that may not have known this Cat's and mine half year anniversary is on my bday. Kinda cool I thought. She shouldn't get me anything either!

Saturday I got to hang out with my Cat Woman and help her parents set up a sweet new 40" TV. Then we watched Donnie Darko and Weather Man. It was a blast. Her house is a lot of fun every time I go over there.....Sunday nothing really happened. She came over and me, Corrie and her kept getting in these wrestling sort of matches. It was hysterical. Even though they ganged up on me at one point and started to tickle my feet. I was screaming like something, not sure what, and then my mom yelled at me because she was trying to sleep. I always get the blame. Oh well..lol

This week is our district games. Tomorrow is our first one against Sanford. They're the favorite pick out of all the teams to win the district but I know we can beat them....We're the black horse. We're probably going to surprise them when we play tomorrow with how much we've improved in our all around game. It should be very very fun. Everyone should go and cheer us on....Please!! I hope we all do well. It would be super to win that district...

Uh....Not sure what else to write about. Like I said everything has been going great, I think. lol I've kinda got to get ready for school so ttyl.

Current Mood: frustrated
Friday, February 17th, 2006
9:50 am
Yes! So, we didn't have school today which is sweetness! Lately everything's been going swimmingly. It just been life, some ups and some downs, but it's all working out for the best I guess. Oh! Some great new at least for me. lol I got my MP3 player to work again. I'm listening to it right now. I'm also talking to Leah right now! I don't really have much to update about I guess. Basketball is okay I guess, we haven't won really that many games. School's ok, I get to see awesome Cat Woman everyday lol and I get to see all my friends at least. That's the best part of it all. And the family is cool. So yeah maybe I'll update later this weekend because thanks to the snow day we have a FOUR DAY WEEKEND YEAHHH! Later!

Current Mood: thirsty
Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
4:43 am
Down On My Head
"I work all night
For one more day that I can say I'm all alone
Alone...
I just need time
And I will say what I believe and I'll come home
Home...
And all I know

I never thought I would wake up in bed
Watching the world coming down on my head
i'd sleep like a dog if you never of said
This is the world coming down on your head

As life flies by
I'm not sure how I'm gonna do this all again
Again...
So line by line
I write this down and I'm just trying to find the end
The end"

There's more to the song but this is all I felt like writing. Maybe all start puting my own songs on here as updates. Luv all..

Current Mood: numb
Saturday, February 4th, 2006
2:02 pm
Thank you Kasey
Thanks a lot Kasey for the wonderful icon. I really want to hurt you for it. lol And I still can't figure out how to get it off! Someone needs to help me......I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Current Mood: happy
Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
9:29 pm
Nothin' New
Wow.....haven't updated in quite a while. Life's been great....sports not so great, actually terrible but life's been great. At the moment I'm talking to the Cat woman. I'd have to say thanks to her for making my life special. Just had to say that. So......tomorrow volleyball has a game. I'll be able to see part of the JV and all of the Varsity. It's kinda crazy watching that sport. I'm just starting to get into it. Hey.........if you guys think of it pray for my mom a lot, a lot, a lot. She's been feeling really sick and some of her medication just ran out and it's not helping. Well, I know this was short but I don't have much time and I'm really tired. I'll try I repeat try and write later......if life permits lol.

Current Mood: hungry
Sunday, January 8th, 2006
10:38 am
Hello
Yupp....not really sure how to start off. These last few weeks have went well. Yesterday I went to my sisters volleyball game, went to a basketball game, and went bowling. Corrie's games were fun I guess. It was fun watching her but there was no one to talk to so in my spare time I fell asleep in the bleachers. At one point Cat called and I almost fell off because she woke me up. lol The basketball game would have been better if the officials were better. They were horrible, horrible, horrible! I was kinda rooting for Reese because I think MLS is a bunch of stuck up kids on their basketball team. But MLS won, just my luck. Ah yes, bowling was fun! I did bad though like usual but it's cool (90). There were so many people there from Merrill it was so cool. I hope we do it again next week or sometime in the near future. After bowling Cat took me, Corrie, Erin, and Shanna home. I was so hyper on the way home, well at least most of the way home. I attacked Erin a good distance of the road trip (you shouldn't have took shotgun lol jk) then the rest of the way I attacked Shanna it was so much fun. I think Cat was mad at me though. lol

We lost another basketball game Fri.... It was against Hemlock. I don't know what the final score was but I really don't care any more. I go out there to win and have fun as long as I get one of those two things to happen then I'll be set. Friday I just had fun, got ticked off at my unlce (who honestly shouldn't I think be a head coach sry), but I still had fun playing. I think everyone is getting mad at me on the team. I don't want to sound cocky because I'm not but a few of the guys on the team don't have as much "expeariance" as I do at the Varsity level and they think that they should have the no one spot. And if they don't get the ball or if they don't get to be "number one" then they get pissed off at me or at least for a time. My dad is so pissed off at my uncle right now. He was so close to transfering me to another school the other night, but then I told him I can't and don't want to and that calmed him down a little. He just wants me to have fun and he thinks that my uncle isn't the best coaching candidate. It's true. Last year I thought that him yelling at me was him trying to help but now I can see that he's not. Honestly, he's kinda like Mr. Streeter in the way that everything he does is for him. "you have to listen to me because I've been around a lot longer than you have...I know a lot more than you guys do..." It bothers me a little but what really bothers me is that he just won't listen to us. The offense we're running is an okay offense but most of the guys get so confused in it. He played me at point in the game Fri. and I never had practiced at all this week for that position. So, with me being a bit confuse I had a hard time doing anything because I wasn't sure where to pass it so or to cut to. He just doesn't use the talent that he has in all the guys the right way. Oh well I'm not the coach but I just wish he would listen to us once in a while...

Yupp.....stuck on what to say again. Uh, well, I got my report card back yesterday. It's deffinetly not where I want it to be again. My camulative is 2.922. I haven't had a marking period or a semester grade since I've been in Merrill under 3.1 and yet it hasn't changed...Man I'm trying to bring that bugger up but it sure is one hell of a job. I don't know what else to talk about so I guess I'll say bye for now.

Current Mood: loved
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
7:39 pm
YEs
Man I've kinda sounded depresses lately huh? Well, that's all changed. I've been changing some things around, my habits/priorities and all and I'm starting to feel a lot more like my self. It feels good... I just hope I didn't ruin anything while I was off in my little rebelious world. Sry to all if I have. But anyhow I'm comin' back around or at least I feel like it. Thanks for the prayer.

Current Mood: crazy
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
9:49 am
Hmmm
This is going to be short because I don't have much time. Christmas was great for the most part, I'm starting to feel like myself again at practice, I'm still frusterated with my dad, I'm having a blast when there's time to hang out with Cat and my friends, my mom still acts like she's on crack.... Anyhow life is pretty good and getting better, but the only bumber is that Christams break is almost over..whaaa!I got to get ready for practice now so I'll ttyl! luv y'all.

Current Mood: blah
Friday, December 23rd, 2005
9:24 am
I'm done with this...
My parents are f'n assholes. They try not to be, well at least my mom does, but everything my dad does it seems like he does it to get me mad at him. And as soon as I get mad at him it's an excuse to unload on me a whole bunch of things that don't even have to do with the subject that we're fighting about.

Yesterday before our basketball game Caitlyn sat behind me and I leaned back once in a while between her legs. I told her though I wasn't supposed to because it's in the team rules not to. But I was stupid and didn't make it clear enough to her. So when my dad saw me he totally exploded on my ass when I got home. "That's why you played so bad is because you always sit cheek to cheek with her......You have to much stuff on your mind: exams, college, girls....you just need to let it all go when you play. Basketball is you sanctuary." None of that is on my mind while I play ball. When I play basketball I just want to play and when things start going wrong my dad thinks that I'm thinking about something or someone. NO FUCKING WAY! Yesterday I was getting ticked off while I was playing because I couldn't shoot, couldn't dribble, couldn't breath, couldn't play defense, couldn't make good passes. I totally was out of rhythm and for some reason I have been since I started playing after my surgery and accident. I cried after we lost, who cares if you know that I did, but it seems like my dad doesn't think that I care. Remember....I blame it all on myself?

Yeah so anyhow about sitting between the whole legs thing. Now he says that he's not sure if I should be a captain anymore. You know what, maybe I shouldn't be then......
I just want to be happy but whenever I'm around Cat and my family at the same time I have to watch my step. "You said you wanted to be different then all the other boys... You would hate yourself if your younger you saw you... You said you were going to change back to how it was, a friendship!" I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY RIGHT NOW! I've never been this angry with them all. I just want to be happy with my family again while still being able to be happy with Caitlyn and playing basketball (tear)... I just want my life back, no accident, no surgery, no sick mom, no stressed out dad, no freakin' spazed uncle yelling at me in front of people then pretending like nothing happened off the court. I just want it like it was or used to be, how it felt that way. Man I'm starting to sound like someone who usually puts posts up like this. But, anyhow...will you guys just pray for me...I don't care if you don't think it won't work or you don't know how to pray just do it at least once after you read this. Thanks and goodbye....

Current Mood: crushed
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
4:54 pm
Man oh Man
This weekend has been so great. Actually this last week or two has been pretty darn good. But starting today and yesterday I think are my 2 tops. Today was cool because we had practice. Friday we won our first basketball game and now were 1-3. We will be 3-3 by Christmas break. So, we watched game tape today at practice then we ran through some stuff that we saw we needed working on from on the tape. After practice some of the guys were jumping around trying to dunk so I decided to try and I almost, I repeat, almost dunked it. I pulled some muscles in my wrist trying to dunk so that was a little bit of a bummer but it was exciting because I haven't jumped that high since the surgery on my foot. It was exciting! Besides that today all I've been doing is taking care of my sick sista, studying for exams this week, and watchin' TV.

Yesterday was #1 for the most part. It's not like I've become a millionaire or something but it was just one of those great days and a wonderful meaningful night. I had stayed the night at Trav's Friday after the game and we had to be at the school Sat. and 9am to teach the little kids the "fundamentals" of the game. I love those little kids. So I was the first one to bed (midnight) and everyone else was up untill 2 or 3 in the morning. I was the first one up and woke everyone else up becuase they thought that Saturday Morning Basketball started later than 9. But no they were wrong and cranky. So, teaching the little kids was a load of fun and caios (prolly spelled that wrong). I was there from 9 in the morning until like noon. After that I went to Breckinridge where I watched Caitlyn's tournament for a while. But I couldn't stay long becuase my dad only said I could stay for a while because he wanted to get the Christmas tree. Which he did while I was there..... But, dang is she awesome at volleyball. I was sitting by her sis Shana (don't know if I spelled that right either) and she was saying the same thing. "She's a power house" "I'd crap my pants if I saw that ball flying at me if she hit it". Her sister's funny and nice. Her whole family is awesome what can I say. So, yeah, I stole a pair of Ben's pants there becuase I didn't want to walk around in my dress pants the whole time so I looked all green. It was really funny, I thought I'd add that in.

So after the tournament I went home for a while to study and relax. That was ok but broing so I called Cat to see if she wanted to go bowling with me and the guys but she said she couldn't and then I remembered that my dad said that I couldn't do any bowling or sledding until Christmas break. No clue why though. So instead of going bowling I went over to her house for quite a while. I talked with her sister some more and her mom and dad as Caitlyn made fun of her brother. That was hilariouse! After that Caitlyn and I "watched" some movies. The Wite Noise was ok but I didn't really think it was that scary. It was perdictable for the most part. And then we watched Dazed and Confused while eating some of her mom's awesome Chicken Quesadielas (don't think I spelled that right either and I'm in Spanish). Then after we were done eating we "watched" the rest of the movie and relaxed. Though, she kicked me in the chin once and hit me in the nuts. That wasn't very relaxing but it was all fun. Then I came home and today started. But you already know what happend today so I'll say bye for now and see you later. Man, I love watching movie's. lol

PS I think you spell it okie dokie, I could be wrong though. Oh, I could give a crap about spell check it takes to long. lol

Current Mood: thirsty
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
9:50 pm
Wow
I really need to do an update soon. In short lifes going great right now. Caitlyn and I are getting to hang out some more of late (it's been pretty busy). The family has been wonderful. Basketball's a little ruff but getting better and it's almost Christmas. Oh, and my friends are the greatest in the world. Again, this is in short...Bye. Man I hope we don't have school tomorrow.

Current Mood: crazy
[ << Previous 20 ]
My Website   About LiveJournal.com